Proposition 8, Unicorns, and Lunges...Lots of Lunges

In a landmark decision, U.S. District Chief Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California's Proposition 8, passed by voters in November 2008, is unconstitutional. In his ruling, Judge Walker stated that Proposition 8 "fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. … Because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.”] The entire ruling can be found here.

Opponents of the ruling have already gotten the ball rolling on the appeals process, and it appears inevitable that the issue of gay marriage will soon find itself on the Supreme Court's docket. It's hard for me to understand why the opposition to gay marriage is so vociferous. I'm pretty sure this is how those who support Prop 8 view the daily life of a homosexual man:

3:00am: Continue sleeping with my eyes open while wearing colorful, feather nipple tassels.
5:00am: Wake-up in a cold sweat and immediately jot down the details of my dream where I finally figured out how to convert my neighbor's child to homosexuality.
5:07am: Go back to sleep...creepily.
6:30am: Wake-up, put on "Faith" by George Michael, and cut the legs off my jeans to make some fab Daisy Dukes!
7:00am: Stretching. Lots of erotic stretching.
10:00am: Choose to continue being gay.
10:01am: Lay on a bear skin rug, have a few cocktails, and think about new ways to threaten the "traditional marriage."
12:30pm: Have a good cry.
1:00pm: Grab my boombox, put on a David Bowie cassette, and meet Lance Bass down at FAO Schwarz to dance and recruit locals to homosexuality.
3:00pm: Run through a meadow flailing my limp arms.
3:30pm: Steal a horse from a sexy cowboy, paste a horn on its face (because we LOVE unicorns), and ride it toward the horizon until I find a rainbow.
3:57pm: Reach the rainbow and have a good cry.
4:30pm: Lose all innate abilities to raise children unless supervised by someone of the opposite sex.
4:45pm: See Satan at the grocery store and say "hi."
5:00pm: More erotic stretching.
5:30pm: Flirt with men that I know are straight because I'm gay and I have no social tact or common sense.
6:15pm: Watch "Glee" on Tivo.
6:55pm: Hand wash and hang dry my feather nipple tassels. 
7:30pm: Watch "S.W.A.T." starring LL Cool J and Sam Jackson because I'm pretty sure that's what straight dudes do and, obviously, I wish I were straight.
7:47pm: Turn off "S.W.A.T." because if that's what it takes to be straight, I'd rather suffer the persecution of being gay.
7:53pm: Start rewriting "S.W.A.T." as a musical starring Nathan Lane, Betty White, and Christopher Walken.
7:54pm: Realize writing "S.W.A.T.: To Protect and Sing" will not make me any more straight. Cease production.
8:00pm: Speak with a lisp.
9:00pm: Apply nipple tassels and take an ice bath.
9:35pm:  Fall asleep and dream about how to destroy Christianity.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, the only accurate representation listed above is the penchant for erotic stretching. But staying limber is important regardless of your sexual orientation. What this boils down to is that marriage is a fundamental right, and the ruling by Judge Walker is a huge step toward true equal rights as defined by the Fourteenth Amendment. Hopefully, the Supreme Court will agree.

How Liberal/Conservative Are You? Take the Test and Find Out!

Check out this website that tests your "political compass." From the home page click the link that says "take the test?" or "click here to start." DO NOT read the "Analysis" section first as it may prejudice your answers. I recommend Googling any terms from the questions that you may not understand so that your results are as accurate possible. The results will show where your beliefs fall on an economic scale and social scale. When you have received your score, read the "Analysis" carefully so that you understand what the numbers mean. To see where you rate in comparison to the 2008 U.S. presidential candidates, click the "U.S. Primaries 2008" link at the bottom of the "Analysis" section. As you will see, Democrats and Republicans typically score positive on both scales, however, Republicans tend to score higher in both instances. Republicans tend to be more to the "right" economically and more "authoritarian" socially. Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader were the only candidates who rated "negative" economically and socially. Enjoy.

WikiLeaking the Obvious

A diverse collection of nearly 100,000 documents was released to the website WikiLeaks last week regarding the U.S. war in Afghanistan. The source of the leaks is unknown, but the breadth of information contained in the documents is far-reaching and indicates a rather severe breach of information security. Nonetheless, all of the information released thus far is rated 'secret' or below (as opposed to more highly sensitive intelligence rated 'top secret') and none of the information is particularly shocking to those who have closely followed the United States' involvement in the region.

The leaked information paints a picture of the Taliban as a highly capable fighting force, a claim that appears self-evident considering the Afghan campaign represents the longest war in U.S. history. What may appear more surprising is the claim that Pakistan, a key U.S. ally in the conflict, has been providing supply line assistance and sanctuary to Taliban fighters that are killing American troops while denying the U.S. the right to pursue those fighters into Pakistan. Why would Pakistan allocate resources to helping the U.S. effort in Afghanistan while simultaneously undermining that effort by aiding the enemy? The answer is simple if you understand the geopolitical situation facing Pakistan and is described eloquently in this article by George Friedman.

The war in Afghanistan began in response to 9/11 in an effort to root out the Taliban government that was providing refuge to al Qaeda. Al Qaeda now operates autonomous cells in approximately 100 countries, therefore, a strategy aimed at eliminating the Taliban will do little to affect the durability of al Qaeda. The Taliban has never expressed any desire nor will to attack the United States as al Qaeda has, and when the United States withdraws from Afghanistan the Taliban will pose little threat to their national security.

Pakistan, on the other hand, will be drastically affected by the government that rules Afghanistan when the United States leaves. While the Taliban has technically been ousted from the government, they maintain a great degree of power and influence in the country. As Pakistan wishes to exert their influence on post-war Afghanistan, they are inclined to maintain an operating relationship with the Taliban as they will inevitably play some role in the country's future government. Thus, Pakistan has a strong incentive to play a two-pronged strategy: support U.S. and NATO forces in the country, while quietly remaining in the relative good graces of the Taliban. There is no amount of pressure that can be applied on Pakistan to change this incentive structure, and defeating the Taliban will do little to change the threat that remains from al Qaeda. Therefore, continuing the war in Afghanistan is an uphill battle that is being subverted by our own ally, demands incredible resources that we cannot afford, and which has no tangible benefit for U.S. national security. The WikiLeaked documents may have raised some eyebrows, but they did not reveal anything new about the war in Afghanistan.

Important Things are Frequently Boring, "Clue" is not

The New England Journal of Medicine published this very interesting, albeit very dry, article on the costs and benefits of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (ACA) signed into law on March 23, 2010. In light of my previous post regarding the deficit, it seems appropriate to point out that the article states that "analysis by the Congressional Budget Office and the CMS (Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services) actuary show that the ACA will substantially reduce the deficit, only slightly increase national medical spending (despite an enormous expansion in insurance coverage), begin to reduce the growth rate of medical spending, and introduce various new initiatives that may lead to more fundamental reductions in the long-term rate of health care cost growth."

The Journal also describes the ACA as "the most significant piece of U.S. social policy legislation in almost 50 years," so do yourself a favor and read the article. It's boring and a little confusing, but it's history and the policy will have an effect on every American. It's good to know which side of the fence you are on and why. When you are done you can reward yourself by looking at this picture.

On a note of similar importance, if you haven't seen the movie "Clue," do it. It's arguably the best comedy that you've never seen.

The Deficit vs. The Situation

The second-ranking Republican in the Senate had something interesting to say the other day. When asked how renewing the Bush tax cuts coincides with cutting the deficit, Jon Kyl of Arizona said: "You do need to offset the cost of increased spending. And that’s what Republicans object to. But you should never have to offset the cost of a deliberate decision to reduce tax rates on Americans [emphasis added].” Or, as Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman succinctly put: "So $30 billion in aid to the unemployed is unaffordable, but 20 times that much in tax cuts for the rich doesn't count." Krugman actually discusses the issue in great detail in an op-ed in the New York Times on Thursday. Former Federal Reserve Chief Alan Greenspan has also announced his support for letting the Bush tax cuts expire citing the danger of our growing deficit.

Just to put this in layman's terms, a deficit occurs when you project to spend more money than you expect to bring in. If I need to pay $1,000 in rent next month and I expect to earn $700 next month, then I have a $300 budget deficit. In order to spend more than you bring in you have to borrow money, that borrowed money is your debt. For the rent example, I would need to take on a debt of $300 to meet my budgetary requirements. As long as you can borrow money and afford to pay the interest that accrues then you can continue to operate with a budget deficit as the United States does. However, this is not a practice that can continue indefinitely. As our debt continues to rise and our projected deficits remain high, lenders begin to question whether they will ever be paid back. Therefore, they increase the interest we are required to pay on our debts and become less willing to lend more money.

So, what do we do? If we really wish to get the deficit under control then the simple answer is to increase revenue and decrease spending. Extending the Bush tax cuts as Senator Kyl and the GOP leadership wish to do would clearly decrease revenue. Someone with the priority of cutting the deficit and not worried about reelection (like Alan Greenspan) would oppose the extension of these tax cuts. Similarly, someone very serious about controlling the deficit would look to cut spending. The recent expansion of healthcare by the Democrats will assuredly increase spending on Medicare and Medicaid which already represent around 20% of the federal budget. The point here is that neither side can legitimately claim that they are really trying to aggressively reduce the deficit. Republicans want lower taxes, but refuse to give an inch on defense spending. Democrats are willing to enact higher taxes, but they also want to expand more services (e.g. Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, etc.).

We can't abandon all spending and we can't solve the deficit problem with taxation alone. What we can do is allow the Bush tax cuts to expire recognizing that an increase in revenue will help to alleviate our deficit. We can also reduce spending in certain areas, while still providing services that keep the quality of life at a level to be expected in the richest country in the world. We need to continue to increase the age at which people become eligible for Social Security and Medicare, recognizing that the average lifespan has increased dramatically since the inception of these programs. We need to dramatically reduce our military spending. Our country faces a much greater threat from fiscal crises than from military crises, and our status as global hegemon will assuredly be jeopardized by the former before the latter. We must resist embroiling ourselves in long-term military commitments unless they are fundamental to the security of the United States. Invading Iran, North Korea, Yemen, or Somalia should not be on anyone's calendar. Spending billions on the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter and a ballistic missile defense program that may or may not ever become operationally effective is exactly the type of defense spending that can afford to be cut without sacrificing our military supremacy.

Then again, an inverse of this strategy may work just as well. Run the deficit as high as you want, and when China and Japan threaten to increase interest rates or cut-off lending we can just send over F-35 Joint Strike Fighters to bomb them and activate our high-tech ballistic missile defenses in case they try to retaliate militarily. I'm sure as long as "Jersey Shore" and "Grey's Anatomy" are on, most Americans won't care either way. Nonetheless, that's The Situation.

This is a Free Country, You Can't Wear That!

The lower house of the French parliament has voted to ban wearing the Islamic full veil in public. The vote was not close, 335 to 1, with 221 abstentions, and the bill will now move to the Senate for ratification in September. Proponents claim the vote is a victory for the "values of freedom against all the oppressions which try to humiliate individuals," and that "democracy thrives when it is open-faced." Critics say that those who wear the full veil are not the stereotypical oppressed women that they are made out to be, and that the potential ban merely represents xenophobia.

Should the ban pass the Senate it will still face review by France's Constitutional Council and the European Court of Human Rights, both of which have the potential to overturn the law. Nonetheless, claiming that a ban on the veil serves democracy in any way is hard to wrap one's head around. Let me get this straight...by telling people that they can't wear something, Parliament is allowing them to be free because they assume that the people are only wearing it because they are being forced to as a form of medieval Islamic oppression. This reminds me of the Adam Sandler sketch (audio, text) where he and his buddy decide to join a cult. In the end, Adam Sandler apologizes to his friend because the cult forces him to kill his father. The friend's response: "You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him." I'm not sure if that relates, but it's funny so click the link.

Either way, forcing someone not to do something so that others can't force them to do it is an ironic solution to a sensitive problem. Will eliminating traditional veils like the burka and niqab in public make oppressive men treat women more equitably as proponents of the ban insinuate? Will the righteousness of Western values strike them like lightning leading them to favor a "I ♥ NY" t-shirt for their wife rather than the pious Snuggie that they've laid out every morning prior? Or will such men still be sober, sexist wife-beaters even if the law passes? 

And this is all assuming that the women who wear the veils are not choosing to do so. What if some are? What if a law was proposed stating that women can't wear Christian crosses around their necks because some Christian men view women as inferior and treat them like crap? I think a lot of Christian women would ask what their husband, father, or brother has to do with their personal methods of practicing their faith.

It's estimated that only 2,000 women wear the veil in France and yet many of the country's five million Muslims oppose the ban. Is this because Muslims in France hate equality or is it because they understand the religious meaning of the veil a bit better than Parliament? Promoting equality and providing religiously-conscious social services to battered and oppressed women seems like a more democratic solution than assuming that every woman walking down the street in a burka is being forced to by an evil Muslim man. 

If government is going to outlaw anything it should be couples wearing matching outfits. It is clear evidence of the non-surgical castration performed by many Western women on their male partners and it can lead to long nights of watching "The Piano Sisterhood of the Ya-Ya Traveling Pants Luck Club in the City." I've not seen it, but I read a review in a nightmare I had and it was the worst experience of my life.

What's Caused Half of All Human Deaths Since the Stone Age?

No, it's not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. It's malaria, and this article by Sonia Shah, author of "The Fever: How Malaria Has Ruled Humankind for 500,000 Years," provides an incredible account of our battle with the disease dating back to the Roman Empire. The scourge of malaria led the regal, Roman physician Serenus Sammonicus to prescribe the wearing of an amulet inscribed with the word "Abracadabra" as one of the first attempts at a cure. That didn't quite work, and since, that word has crept into one of my most hated corners of our lexicon: magicians' phrases. Now we have to watch Criss Angel say it as he gets paid to pretend to walk on water while dressed like a kid who hates his parents and all the popular kids at school because he's the loser who decided to do magic tricks instead of play sports. I hate you, Criss Angel. The only "Mindfreak" that's going on here is that you somehow misspelled "Chris," and that a large enough portion of America thinks you can float for you to get a show. You started this, Serenus Sammonicus, and if you were alive I'd punch you in the ear.

Anyway, malaria continues to kill nearly 1 million people every year and the only thing anyone seems to care about is when the next LFO album comes out. I know "Summer Girls" is intoxicating, but for the sake of mankind, quit thinking about girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch long enough to start hating Criss Angel...and malaria.  

Serial Killers Should Always Finish Their Pizza

DNA evidence from a discarded slice of pizza led LAPD detectives to arrest Lonnie David Franklin Jr., the alleged prostitute-murdering serial killer known as the "Grim Sleeper." The man, described by neighbors as a helpful, friendly handyman, is suspected of killing at least 10 women, mostly in the 1980's, but as recently as 2003. There is not much detail on how LA Weekly came up with the nickname the "Grim Sleeper," but I imagine it went like this:

LA Weekly employee 1: "What should we call this guy?"
LA Weekly employee 2: "How about the 'Grim Reaper?'"
LA Weekly employee 1: "Why are you so stupid?"
LA Weekly employee 2: "Ok. How about the 'Grim Sleeper?'"
LA Weekly employee 1: "Shut up. Blossom is on."

And the Stupidest Country Is...Equatorial Guinea!

Don't blame me Equatorial Guineanites, this is science. And in an effort to kick you while you're down, the University of New Mexico has also found that you are the most likely to be diseased. In fact, they have found that the two are actually linked. Fighting off diseases and developing a brain are both very metabolically taxing, therefore, individuals forced to stave off infection during their developmental stages are less likely to fully develop their head noodles.

Move over North Korea, I'm grabbing some Purell and heading to Equatorial Guinea to impress the locals with my unparalleled Highlights Magazine 'Hidden Pictures' skills. I give it about 3 hours before they elect me 'Jesus.'

Science Knows How Long You'll Need to Wear Depends

DNA researchers at Boston University have apparently identified the unique genetic variations that lead to longevity by studying the world's wrinkliest people. By studying the genetic makeup of more than 1,000 individuals over the age of 100, scientists have isolated approximately 150 'markers' that these centenarians have in common. They are now working to develop a test, which will be offered for free, so that people can find out if they are genetically predisposed to one day resemble Benjamin Bellybutton.

This breakthrough once again raises the question among medical ethicists as to whether such tests will reveal more information than people want to, or should, know. I can tell you that the only changes I would make if I found out I would live long enough to be a mummy would be to moisturize so I don't look like this, and to start stocking up on Depends when they are on sale. As the Boy Scouts say: if you're going to go to the bathroom in your pants...be prepared. 

Obamacare vs. Hot Air

As the November elections loom, the Elephant Party is looking to stoke the anger of their loyal rabble-rousers in an effort to take back Congress. Target #1: Obamacare. The health care overhaul passed by the Democrats this year, notably the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, has drawn the ire of conservatives nationwide for its expansion of the role of government and its alleged high price tag.

GOP legislators have introduced several bills aimed at repealing the landmark legislation, most recently Senator Orrin Hatch's (R-Utah) strategically-named American Liberty Restoration Act. Apparently, expanding medical coverage to millions of Americans, setting up insurance exchanges to increase competition, and preventing insurance companies from denying coverage to individuals with preexisting conditions amounts to robbing Americans of their liberty in the world of Orrin Hatch. Then again, I imagine that anyone named Orrin lives in a world that closely resembles a cross between "The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss" and "Pan's Labyrinth." So he may be tapped into something that I just don't understand.

Complaints like those of Republican Indiana governor Mitch Daniels that the mandated expansion of Medicaid coverage will cost the Hoosier State approximately $1 billion this decade both ignore the facts and only focus on one side of the issue. The Urban Institute, an independent think-tank, estimates Indiana's Medicaid bill to be as low as half of the governor's estimate. Moreover, an estimated $8.5-10.1 billion in federal funding will be made available to assist in funding health coverage for Indiana's poor thus painting a very different picture than that scribbled by Governor Daniels.

For all the griping about the costs of Obamacare, there is nary a mention of the potential benefits by the right side of the aisle. The skyrocketing costs of health care have forced those without insurance to foreclose on their homes, file for bankruptcy, or sell their limited edition copy of Steven Seagal's debut album Songs from the Crystal Cave. Moreover, individuals with insurance coverage are much more likely to receive preventive treatment thus reducing the number of emergency room visits, mitigating the number of employer-paid sick days, and increasing the likelihood of living long enough to see the eagerly anticipated "Dunston Checks In 2: The Ape of Innocence."

Before anymore Republicans bad-mouth Obamacare, I recommend they take a drive out to a forest, throw Songs from the Crystal Cave in their Walkman, take a stroll, and think about what's important in life. The answer is: orangutan movies.

Meet Your New Supreme Court Justice

Solicitor General Elena Kagan began the long process of becoming the next justice of the Supreme Court of the United States on Monday morning. While her nomination is expected to meet some token Republican resistance, she will inevitably be confirmed before the Senate's summer recess. That is, of course, unless she just continually repeats Christopher Walken's monologue from Pulp Fiction in response to her Senatorial grilling, but that seems highly unlikely.

Much of the Republican hullabaloo is likely to stem from the fact that Kagan has never served as a judge and thus lacks the experience necessary to hold the post. However, such criticism holds little water since former conservative Chief Justice William Rehnquist and several other highly respected justices had no prior judicial experience before serving either. In the end, the whole process will be a lot like that cop arresting/beating that 17-year-old jaywalking girl. It may take a lot longer than you expect, but you know who is going to win.

I'm Moving to North Korea

Most people talk about how terrible life is in North Korea. Famine, political oppression, and complete isolation from the outside world put North Korea toward the bottom of most people's lists of preferred places to live. But I can't think of a better place on the planet to live if you're a sports fan. Thanks to the unbelievable insecurity of the Great Leader Kim Jong-il, North Korea dispenses the greatest propaganda in the world. Therefore, anytime North Korea competes in a sport on the world stage, the Asian Jesus just tells his people that they won. And since they aren't burdened with the internet, real newspapers, or the right to travel, they are none-the-wiser. In fact, they already beat Brazil to win the World Cup!


You also have to be impressed with any world leader who can shoot 38 under par in his first ever round of golf. Unless Obama starts winning some dunk contests, I'm packing my bags.

Hatred for Justin Bieber Threatens Democratic Supremacy

Unemployment is high, there's so much oil in the Gulf that water-zits are forming, Justin Bieber is still alive; it has been a rough year. And it's been especially rough if you are a Democrat with the November elections just over the oily horizon. While the Donkey Party still holds the presidency and both houses of Congress, they stand to lose the latter if anger over jobs, oil, and side-swept, Canadian bangs doesn't subside.

Fear is especially acute regarding the nation's unemployment rate. As of May, it still rests at a robust 9.7% despite predictions by the administration that jobs would recover more quickly. Many analysts say look no further than unemployment and you will see the fate of the President's party this November. However, closer statistical analysis shows a glimmer of hope for Democrats, and some political scientists insist that the unemployment rate is not as effective a predictor of midterm election results than other indicators, such as real personal disposable per capita income. It seems people are less worried about whether they have a job than they are about whether they have enough money in their wallets to make it rain at da club dat night. 

The New York Times has identified 117 House seats and 17 Senate seats that are likely to be as closely contested this November as the final bout in Rocky II. As Sam Jackson says in "Jurassic Park VI: They're Smarter" during the scene where the raptor gets elected President of the United States: "Hold on to your butts."

And here is a picture of me as a baby with my cat Balthazar:

Baby Gets Promoted All the Way to General

On Wednesday, June 24th, shocking evidence was released revealing that a baby had somehow risen through the American military ranks and become a general. Stanley McChrystal was relieved of his duties as top U.S. commander in Afghanistan after he had a temper tantrum during an interview with Rolling Stone thus revealing the truth that he is, in fact, actually a baby. During the interview, McChrystal's aides indicated that he had his feelings hurt when Obama had not memorized his service record upon their first meeting and that VP Joe Biden was referred to by the nickname "Bite Me" in the General's inner-circle. Oooooh, zing!

Other reports indicate that the military's top brass should have known McChrystal was a baby much earlier. In late 2009, records show that McChrystal ordered three copies of "The Wiggles" on DVD to show to his troops, and several officers have anonymously come forward stating that they had walked in on McChrystal breastfeeding. When asked what he would do now that he has been relieved of his command, McChrystal screamed, "I want to be a cowboy astronaut!" Good choice.

Slippery, Naked Ute Steals Cop Car

What I'm picturing as an extremely attractive naked woman greased herself up and went on a joy ride in the suburbs of Salt Lake City earlier this week. This is the second time a young woman has embarrassed law enforcement in the last few weeks, and, as you can see below, it sounded like the kind of car chase the Pope would have loved.

Louisiana Finally Figured Out How to Stop the Oil Spill: God

When large concrete domes, high speed golf balls, and Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy couldn't stop the oil spill, the State Senate of Louisiana did what any governmental body should be expected to do when its citizens are in peril; they asked God for help. On Wednesday, the Louisiana Senate unanimously approved Senate Resolution 145, calling for Sunday, June 20th to be a Statewide Day of Prayer for Louisiana and the Gulf of Mexico region. In a rather successful effort to speak like Zeus, State Senator Robert Adley (R-Benton) thundered: "Thus far the efforts made by mortals to try to solve the crisis have been to no avail." It should be noted that Robert Adley (pictured) looks exactly like Zeus if you change his face, neck, chest, hair, and legs. But your abs are just fine as is, Robert [insert sexy wink and lip bite].

Kids With Facebook Are Lawless, Perverted Cyberbullies

A New Jersey middle school principal is taking a stand against social networking. He sent an email to his students' parents urging them to liquefy and drink their computers, and to home school their children in large, opaque hamster balls where they cannot experience unapproved stimuli. He insists that sexting and cyberbullying is out of control and that the only way to stop it is to take a page out of the Gestapo handbook and control everything that their children see and do. Additionally, in an effort to prevent non-electronic bullying, the principal is considering measures that will remove the mouths of students, and to prevent real sex he will be distributing these new, terrifying condoms.

Following the Garden State's lead, the New York City Department of Education has proposed a similar ban on illicit e-behavior threatening 90-day suspensions for violations, even if they occur after school, on weekends, or during summer vacation. It's clear that the most important thing is to make sure that we do not trust our children to make responsible decisions and that we vilify their activity to make sure that they are too afraid to come to us if they ever encounter a problem. I'm sure America's children will understand that they are not mature enough to be trusted on social networking sites and comply fully. Or they will learn to elude the watchful eyes of their schools and parents by becoming uber-intelligent super-hackers that can use landlines to cyberbully and sext until they become so warped that a new generation of unstoppable digital-criminals take over the country. Hasn't anyone else seen Die Hard 4?

I'd Prefer it if My Seamen Smoked

Riding in a giant, submersible Tylenol is stressful work; just ask America's submarine Navy. And when that underwater Tic-Tac is carrying enough radioactive material to necessitate tin foil underwear, you know our submariners are going to be a little on edge. So, the Navy's announcement that they are banning smoking aboard submarines effective at the end of the year is nothing short of an invitation for nuclear war. Smoking is addictive; just ask this little Sumatran boy. And when people quit smoking, they go crazy. So, the Navy is basically enacting a policy that will amount to nothing more than filling their aquatic Twinkies with crazy people. Every time a sailor is feeling stressed out from life under the sea, he is going to look over at that big, red button labeled "Don't Press Me Unless You Want to See the Coolest Thing Ever" (I'm pretty sure that's how they're labeled), and he is going to do the only sane thing a crazy person can be expected to do. And that's end the world.

However, the Navy did do one thing that will help reduce the stress on our seamen. They are going to end the ban on women serving on submarines. And we all know that there is nothing women do better than reduce the stress on the men around them [insert sarcastic mouth-induced fart sound]. We are all going to die.

Have You Paid Your Facebook Bill This Month?

Are creepy guys going to have to start paying to peruse their coworkers' "Beach '09" albums? Will insecure girls have to cough up some dough before they can judge their worth based on the attractiveness of their ex-boyfriends' new girlfriends? Is mankind going to need to submit payment before informing the world: "Another sunny day! Shades? Check. Cut-off 'Wham!' t-shirt? Check. Tribal tattoo that expresses my inner-warrior? Check. You're welcome America." or "Just cookin' up a lil' mollusk paella. Thanks Barefoot Contessa!" or "Prolly shouldn't have drank those four bags of Franzia I poured in my Camelbak before my nature walk." or "Howie Mandel is definitely from the future. I have proof. And no, it's not because I can see a reflection of my soul on his head." But really, is Facebook going to start charging?

The Problem Is These Heads Weren't Labeled

Finding 50 human heads in a Southwest cargo facility is all in a day's work. But finding 50 heads that aren't sealed in airtight containers and labeled 'Heads' is "very uncommon."

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!"

New Golden State Warriors Logo

Huge improvement from the previous "Thunder" logo. Now all they need to do is average more than one winning season per decade. This is a start.

The Pope Watches Movies?!

Apparently, binge drinking, chain smoking, cheating on women, evading arrest, offering financial compensation in exchange for a little girl, and wearing your sunglasses at night are not deplorable enough to outweigh the glory of stating "we're on a mission from God" a few times according to the Catholic Church. "Blues Brothers" has joined "The Ten Commandments," "Jesus of Nazareth," "The Passion of the Christ," and other hilarious films on the list of Pope-approved movies. Consider this the first vote to add "Battlefield Earth" to the list. What movie would you most like to watch with the Pope?

Hi, I'm a Moron

This schmuck has issued an apology to BP for having to set aside $20 billion to help pay for the damages caused by the oil spill, calling it a "shakedown" by the federal government. You have to respect the guy's chutzpa though. That move is about as bold as asking Stephen Hawking to be your partner on "Dancing With the Stars" (see what I did there?).

A free Harmerica neckerchief to whoever includes at least two Yiddish words in their comment (while supplies last).

Viagra For Women

Maybe the reason a lot of women have "a depressed level of sexual desire" is because 99% of men look nauseating naked.

I once watched Clint Howard walk down the streets of San Francisco fully clothed and no less than 43 women vomited merely at the sight of him.

Free Harmerica banana hammock to anyone who can name an uglier human male.

"Lost" Reenacted By Cats

You Punch Jaywalkers Like A Girl!

This story is funny on so many levels.

1. A police officer punches a 17-year-old girl in the face.
2. The incident started because the officer was surrounded by people jaywalking.
3. Two girls involved were stupid enough to resist a jaywalking citation.
4. He punches her despite the fact that he's blatantly being videotaped.
5. The officer needed backup because there were TWO girls!
6. Despite the fact that "punching is a trained tactic" and the girl was 17, "nobody was injured during the incident."
7. The officer has more trouble with the girl than Ace Ventura did with Lois Einhorn.

What's Going On In That 'Stan?

And, no, I'm not referring to Stan Van Gundy's irritable bowel syndrome. Kyrgyzstan's problems can't be solved with yoga and fiber.

Take That, Diarrhea!

Plastic bottles can be used for good as well as evil I guess.

Ozzy Osbourne Is a Party Robot From the Future

He and Keith Richards should be tranquilized, taken to a Chuck E. Cheese, and forced to party until one of them dies. The Pay-Per-View profits could be used to make sure no one has to see an episode of Cougar Town ever again. Who do you think would win?

Can "The Postman" Stop the Oil Slick?

That beard does look super-absorbent, but he's got an even better trick hidden in that mailbag.

And On the 8th Day, God Created Photoshop

This looks about right considering they're a landlocked state that has outlawed whaling.

What About Microwaving Cell Phones in the Airport Security Line?

Sloth says: "Avoid the doctor or you'll die!"

Watch an Angry Peacock Debate Kevin Federline

Ready. FIGHT!

At one point the peacock looks like she is going to spit her soul at K-Fed...and he just laughs. Game. Set. Match.

"LEGO" Of Your Pseudo-World Cup Excitement...

...and just watch the highlights reenacted by LEGOs.

Israeli Blockade Update

For now it appears that Iran is resisting militarized escorts to break the Gaza blockade by Israel. However, approximately 100,000 Iranians have volunteered to crew aid ships that Tehran has said will be sent to provide food and other supplies to Palestinians starting Sunday, June 13th. While it appears Iran's Revolutionary Guard will not be leading the charge on these aid missions, it is only a matter of time before these aid ships reach the blockade and a decision will have to be made by Israel as to how to react.

It's Been Awhile Since We've Had a World War Anyway...

Things aren't going well in the Middle East for a change. The clash aboard the Turkish-owned Mavi Marmara on May 31st is beginning to look like the first toss in a barrage of poo-throwing at the industrial fan known as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Now, President Obama is calling the situation in Gaza "unsustainable" and has approved a new aid plan for the region focused on infrastructure. And in an effort to knock over the first domino on the Doomsday Domino Rally, Iran has now offered to escort future aid vessels to Gaza. Maybe when the Israeli Navy confronts the next aid flotilla led by an armed Iranian escort they will just choose to settle their historical angst with an Alf trivia contest. Or maybe it will be the beginning of World War III.

Oh, and Israel is shooting Palestinian divers in an effort to assuage the tension.

Images of the Spill

Some incredible photos courtesy AP photographer Charlie Riedel via Boston.com. 

New Second Worst Way to Die

So, I read an article in National Geographic and I have a new runner-up for worst way to die. Fatal familial insomnia (FFI) is a genetic defect that eliminates its victims' ability to sleep. The symptoms usually set in when the sufferer is in their 50's and tends to last about a year before the individual inevitably dies from lack of sleep. Apparently, these unlucky brains contain freak proteins that attack the thalamus (aka brain part) inhibiting the ability to sleep.

How one dies from lack of sleep science has not figured out (perhaps the underwater robots with diamond saws will teach us), but they do know that the mortality rate for FFI is 100%. Only 40 families worldwide are known to suffer from the genetic plague of FFI, so don't start a bucket list if you can't fall asleep after a Golden Girls marathon (RIP Rue McClanahan). But it, along with ninjas, is a perfectly good reason to go to bed scared every night.

This is why FFI is now officially second on my list of worst ways to die. The first of course being a tripartite, raptor-style attack by giant cobras that spit flaming Great White Sharks that have TVs fused to their spines playing re-runs of Sex and the City. What tops your list of worst ways to die?

Swimming Robots With Diamond Saws

The tragic sinking of the Deepwater Horizon and the ongoing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has rightly elicited public outrage. Several attempts to plug the hole have failed and with every passing day the pressure continues to grow on BP and the federal government to stop this disaster. While I believe it is inexcusable that BP does not have more effective contingency plans for such a disaster, I am still pretty impressed with what's going on down there.

The primary impediment to stopping the oil flow is that the leak is occurring a mile below the ocean's surface. That means they are operating in an environment that has about 2,000 pounds per square inch of pressure. That's the equivalent of having the weight of a car pressing down on every square inch of your body. In other words, people can't go down and fix this. Instead, we have robots. The most recent effort to fix the leak was to use remote controlled robots holding diamond saws to cut through the pipe so that a new cap could be applied. When the diamond saw-wielding robots blew it, and got their saw stuck half way through the pipe, BP rolled out their giant underwater robot scissors and finished the job. Apparently, the robots don't have the steady hands of an Armenian as the cut was a bit jagged which may jeopardize the ability of the team to effectively cap the pipe.

This is truly the most catastrophic environmental disaster in American history, but there is one helluva science experiment going on down there as a result. Hopefully, the robots of the future will learn something from the shortcomings of their underwater brethren currently toiling in the Gulf.

No on CA Prop 16

Do not be fooled by the patriotic name, Prop 16 will increase PG&E's stranglehold on our state's energy.

http://www.ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/California_Proposition_16_%28June_2010%29

Eisenhower's Farewell Address, Part 1

This is something that every American should watch.

Eisenhower's Farewell Address, Part 2

Ja"makin'" Me Nervous

As civil unrest continues to fester in Jamaica over the planned extradition of an alleged drug lord, tourists are weighing the pros and cons of vacationing to the island this summer. Let's help them out:

Pros:
-beaches
-sun (unless you look like this)

Cons:
-smelly dreadlocks with guns hidden in them
-no land-based escape route from skeezy drug lords
-street sharks


There seems like an obvious solution here: find a pool, pop a Red Stripe, and throw on Bob Marley's Legend.

Incarceration Over Education

As California's gubernatorial election approaches, Steve Poizner and Meg Whitman are trading blows in a battle to earn the nod as the voice of California Republicans. Meanwhile, presumptive Democratic nominee, former governor Jerry Brown, has been guarding his coffers awaiting what is sure to be a hard-fought general election. Whoever wins the unenviable task of confronting California's current hardships is going to have to think outside the box. A good place to start would be California's broken prison system.

The Golden State currently spends more money on prisons than on our entire higher education system. It costs more to house an inmate in prison than to send a student to Harvard, and as our prisons swell beyond capacity more and more students will be unable to attend college due to budget cuts and tuition hikes.

The state's budgetary prioritization of incarceration over education may actually be having an inverse effect on criminal activity. Sixty percent of inmates are functionally illiterate and it has been shown that third grade reading scores can be accurate predictors of prison populations. Moreover, California ranks worst in the nation in recidivism rate as 7 out of 10 released inmates return to prison within three years. Budget cuts in education and tuition hikes will only exacerbate this problem.

California's next governor must address this bleak cycle. Current drug laws serve to criminalize thousands of otherwise law-abiding Californians and would be a good place to start easing the strain on our prisons. The legalization of marijuana has been gaining steam and will actually be on the ballot for legalization in November. Strong, unequivocal support for this measure by the gubernatorial candidates would go a long way toward moving the issue of drugs out of the criminal realm and into the public health realm.

California is in dire need of bold solutions. We can only hope that whoever wins in November is willing to think outside the box.