Kids With Facebook Are Lawless, Perverted Cyberbullies

A New Jersey middle school principal is taking a stand against social networking. He sent an email to his students' parents urging them to liquefy and drink their computers, and to home school their children in large, opaque hamster balls where they cannot experience unapproved stimuli. He insists that sexting and cyberbullying is out of control and that the only way to stop it is to take a page out of the Gestapo handbook and control everything that their children see and do. Additionally, in an effort to prevent non-electronic bullying, the principal is considering measures that will remove the mouths of students, and to prevent real sex he will be distributing these new, terrifying condoms.

Following the Garden State's lead, the New York City Department of Education has proposed a similar ban on illicit e-behavior threatening 90-day suspensions for violations, even if they occur after school, on weekends, or during summer vacation. It's clear that the most important thing is to make sure that we do not trust our children to make responsible decisions and that we vilify their activity to make sure that they are too afraid to come to us if they ever encounter a problem. I'm sure America's children will understand that they are not mature enough to be trusted on social networking sites and comply fully. Or they will learn to elude the watchful eyes of their schools and parents by becoming uber-intelligent super-hackers that can use landlines to cyberbully and sext until they become so warped that a new generation of unstoppable digital-criminals take over the country. Hasn't anyone else seen Die Hard 4?