I'd Prefer it if My Seamen Smoked

Riding in a giant, submersible Tylenol is stressful work; just ask America's submarine Navy. And when that underwater Tic-Tac is carrying enough radioactive material to necessitate tin foil underwear, you know our submariners are going to be a little on edge. So, the Navy's announcement that they are banning smoking aboard submarines effective at the end of the year is nothing short of an invitation for nuclear war. Smoking is addictive; just ask this little Sumatran boy. And when people quit smoking, they go crazy. So, the Navy is basically enacting a policy that will amount to nothing more than filling their aquatic Twinkies with crazy people. Every time a sailor is feeling stressed out from life under the sea, he is going to look over at that big, red button labeled "Don't Press Me Unless You Want to See the Coolest Thing Ever" (I'm pretty sure that's how they're labeled), and he is going to do the only sane thing a crazy person can be expected to do. And that's end the world.

However, the Navy did do one thing that will help reduce the stress on our seamen. They are going to end the ban on women serving on submarines. And we all know that there is nothing women do better than reduce the stress on the men around them [insert sarcastic mouth-induced fart sound]. We are all going to die.