Science Knows How Long You'll Need to Wear Depends

DNA researchers at Boston University have apparently identified the unique genetic variations that lead to longevity by studying the world's wrinkliest people. By studying the genetic makeup of more than 1,000 individuals over the age of 100, scientists have isolated approximately 150 'markers' that these centenarians have in common. They are now working to develop a test, which will be offered for free, so that people can find out if they are genetically predisposed to one day resemble Benjamin Bellybutton.

This breakthrough once again raises the question among medical ethicists as to whether such tests will reveal more information than people want to, or should, know. I can tell you that the only changes I would make if I found out I would live long enough to be a mummy would be to moisturize so I don't look like this, and to start stocking up on Depends when they are on sale. As the Boy Scouts say: if you're going to go to the bathroom in your pants...be prepared.