Obamacare vs. Hot Air

As the November elections loom, the Elephant Party is looking to stoke the anger of their loyal rabble-rousers in an effort to take back Congress. Target #1: Obamacare. The health care overhaul passed by the Democrats this year, notably the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, has drawn the ire of conservatives nationwide for its expansion of the role of government and its alleged high price tag.

GOP legislators have introduced several bills aimed at repealing the landmark legislation, most recently Senator Orrin Hatch's (R-Utah) strategically-named American Liberty Restoration Act. Apparently, expanding medical coverage to millions of Americans, setting up insurance exchanges to increase competition, and preventing insurance companies from denying coverage to individuals with preexisting conditions amounts to robbing Americans of their liberty in the world of Orrin Hatch. Then again, I imagine that anyone named Orrin lives in a world that closely resembles a cross between "The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss" and "Pan's Labyrinth." So he may be tapped into something that I just don't understand.

Complaints like those of Republican Indiana governor Mitch Daniels that the mandated expansion of Medicaid coverage will cost the Hoosier State approximately $1 billion this decade both ignore the facts and only focus on one side of the issue. The Urban Institute, an independent think-tank, estimates Indiana's Medicaid bill to be as low as half of the governor's estimate. Moreover, an estimated $8.5-10.1 billion in federal funding will be made available to assist in funding health coverage for Indiana's poor thus painting a very different picture than that scribbled by Governor Daniels.

For all the griping about the costs of Obamacare, there is nary a mention of the potential benefits by the right side of the aisle. The skyrocketing costs of health care have forced those without insurance to foreclose on their homes, file for bankruptcy, or sell their limited edition copy of Steven Seagal's debut album Songs from the Crystal Cave. Moreover, individuals with insurance coverage are much more likely to receive preventive treatment thus reducing the number of emergency room visits, mitigating the number of employer-paid sick days, and increasing the likelihood of living long enough to see the eagerly anticipated "Dunston Checks In 2: The Ape of Innocence."

Before anymore Republicans bad-mouth Obamacare, I recommend they take a drive out to a forest, throw Songs from the Crystal Cave in their Walkman, take a stroll, and think about what's important in life. The answer is: orangutan movies.

Meet Your New Supreme Court Justice

Solicitor General Elena Kagan began the long process of becoming the next justice of the Supreme Court of the United States on Monday morning. While her nomination is expected to meet some token Republican resistance, she will inevitably be confirmed before the Senate's summer recess. That is, of course, unless she just continually repeats Christopher Walken's monologue from Pulp Fiction in response to her Senatorial grilling, but that seems highly unlikely.

Much of the Republican hullabaloo is likely to stem from the fact that Kagan has never served as a judge and thus lacks the experience necessary to hold the post. However, such criticism holds little water since former conservative Chief Justice William Rehnquist and several other highly respected justices had no prior judicial experience before serving either. In the end, the whole process will be a lot like that cop arresting/beating that 17-year-old jaywalking girl. It may take a lot longer than you expect, but you know who is going to win.

I'm Moving to North Korea

Most people talk about how terrible life is in North Korea. Famine, political oppression, and complete isolation from the outside world put North Korea toward the bottom of most people's lists of preferred places to live. But I can't think of a better place on the planet to live if you're a sports fan. Thanks to the unbelievable insecurity of the Great Leader Kim Jong-il, North Korea dispenses the greatest propaganda in the world. Therefore, anytime North Korea competes in a sport on the world stage, the Asian Jesus just tells his people that they won. And since they aren't burdened with the internet, real newspapers, or the right to travel, they are none-the-wiser. In fact, they already beat Brazil to win the World Cup!


You also have to be impressed with any world leader who can shoot 38 under par in his first ever round of golf. Unless Obama starts winning some dunk contests, I'm packing my bags.

Hatred for Justin Bieber Threatens Democratic Supremacy

Unemployment is high, there's so much oil in the Gulf that water-zits are forming, Justin Bieber is still alive; it has been a rough year. And it's been especially rough if you are a Democrat with the November elections just over the oily horizon. While the Donkey Party still holds the presidency and both houses of Congress, they stand to lose the latter if anger over jobs, oil, and side-swept, Canadian bangs doesn't subside.

Fear is especially acute regarding the nation's unemployment rate. As of May, it still rests at a robust 9.7% despite predictions by the administration that jobs would recover more quickly. Many analysts say look no further than unemployment and you will see the fate of the President's party this November. However, closer statistical analysis shows a glimmer of hope for Democrats, and some political scientists insist that the unemployment rate is not as effective a predictor of midterm election results than other indicators, such as real personal disposable per capita income. It seems people are less worried about whether they have a job than they are about whether they have enough money in their wallets to make it rain at da club dat night. 

The New York Times has identified 117 House seats and 17 Senate seats that are likely to be as closely contested this November as the final bout in Rocky II. As Sam Jackson says in "Jurassic Park VI: They're Smarter" during the scene where the raptor gets elected President of the United States: "Hold on to your butts."

And here is a picture of me as a baby with my cat Balthazar:

Baby Gets Promoted All the Way to General

On Wednesday, June 24th, shocking evidence was released revealing that a baby had somehow risen through the American military ranks and become a general. Stanley McChrystal was relieved of his duties as top U.S. commander in Afghanistan after he had a temper tantrum during an interview with Rolling Stone thus revealing the truth that he is, in fact, actually a baby. During the interview, McChrystal's aides indicated that he had his feelings hurt when Obama had not memorized his service record upon their first meeting and that VP Joe Biden was referred to by the nickname "Bite Me" in the General's inner-circle. Oooooh, zing!

Other reports indicate that the military's top brass should have known McChrystal was a baby much earlier. In late 2009, records show that McChrystal ordered three copies of "The Wiggles" on DVD to show to his troops, and several officers have anonymously come forward stating that they had walked in on McChrystal breastfeeding. When asked what he would do now that he has been relieved of his command, McChrystal screamed, "I want to be a cowboy astronaut!" Good choice.

Slippery, Naked Ute Steals Cop Car

What I'm picturing as an extremely attractive naked woman greased herself up and went on a joy ride in the suburbs of Salt Lake City earlier this week. This is the second time a young woman has embarrassed law enforcement in the last few weeks, and, as you can see below, it sounded like the kind of car chase the Pope would have loved.

Louisiana Finally Figured Out How to Stop the Oil Spill: God

When large concrete domes, high speed golf balls, and Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy couldn't stop the oil spill, the State Senate of Louisiana did what any governmental body should be expected to do when its citizens are in peril; they asked God for help. On Wednesday, the Louisiana Senate unanimously approved Senate Resolution 145, calling for Sunday, June 20th to be a Statewide Day of Prayer for Louisiana and the Gulf of Mexico region. In a rather successful effort to speak like Zeus, State Senator Robert Adley (R-Benton) thundered: "Thus far the efforts made by mortals to try to solve the crisis have been to no avail." It should be noted that Robert Adley (pictured) looks exactly like Zeus if you change his face, neck, chest, hair, and legs. But your abs are just fine as is, Robert [insert sexy wink and lip bite].

Kids With Facebook Are Lawless, Perverted Cyberbullies

A New Jersey middle school principal is taking a stand against social networking. He sent an email to his students' parents urging them to liquefy and drink their computers, and to home school their children in large, opaque hamster balls where they cannot experience unapproved stimuli. He insists that sexting and cyberbullying is out of control and that the only way to stop it is to take a page out of the Gestapo handbook and control everything that their children see and do. Additionally, in an effort to prevent non-electronic bullying, the principal is considering measures that will remove the mouths of students, and to prevent real sex he will be distributing these new, terrifying condoms.

Following the Garden State's lead, the New York City Department of Education has proposed a similar ban on illicit e-behavior threatening 90-day suspensions for violations, even if they occur after school, on weekends, or during summer vacation. It's clear that the most important thing is to make sure that we do not trust our children to make responsible decisions and that we vilify their activity to make sure that they are too afraid to come to us if they ever encounter a problem. I'm sure America's children will understand that they are not mature enough to be trusted on social networking sites and comply fully. Or they will learn to elude the watchful eyes of their schools and parents by becoming uber-intelligent super-hackers that can use landlines to cyberbully and sext until they become so warped that a new generation of unstoppable digital-criminals take over the country. Hasn't anyone else seen Die Hard 4?

I'd Prefer it if My Seamen Smoked

Riding in a giant, submersible Tylenol is stressful work; just ask America's submarine Navy. And when that underwater Tic-Tac is carrying enough radioactive material to necessitate tin foil underwear, you know our submariners are going to be a little on edge. So, the Navy's announcement that they are banning smoking aboard submarines effective at the end of the year is nothing short of an invitation for nuclear war. Smoking is addictive; just ask this little Sumatran boy. And when people quit smoking, they go crazy. So, the Navy is basically enacting a policy that will amount to nothing more than filling their aquatic Twinkies with crazy people. Every time a sailor is feeling stressed out from life under the sea, he is going to look over at that big, red button labeled "Don't Press Me Unless You Want to See the Coolest Thing Ever" (I'm pretty sure that's how they're labeled), and he is going to do the only sane thing a crazy person can be expected to do. And that's end the world.

However, the Navy did do one thing that will help reduce the stress on our seamen. They are going to end the ban on women serving on submarines. And we all know that there is nothing women do better than reduce the stress on the men around them [insert sarcastic mouth-induced fart sound]. We are all going to die.

Have You Paid Your Facebook Bill This Month?

Are creepy guys going to have to start paying to peruse their coworkers' "Beach '09" albums? Will insecure girls have to cough up some dough before they can judge their worth based on the attractiveness of their ex-boyfriends' new girlfriends? Is mankind going to need to submit payment before informing the world: "Another sunny day! Shades? Check. Cut-off 'Wham!' t-shirt? Check. Tribal tattoo that expresses my inner-warrior? Check. You're welcome America." or "Just cookin' up a lil' mollusk paella. Thanks Barefoot Contessa!" or "Prolly shouldn't have drank those four bags of Franzia I poured in my Camelbak before my nature walk." or "Howie Mandel is definitely from the future. I have proof. And no, it's not because I can see a reflection of my soul on his head." But really, is Facebook going to start charging?

The Problem Is These Heads Weren't Labeled

Finding 50 human heads in a Southwest cargo facility is all in a day's work. But finding 50 heads that aren't sealed in airtight containers and labeled 'Heads' is "very uncommon."

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!"

New Golden State Warriors Logo

Huge improvement from the previous "Thunder" logo. Now all they need to do is average more than one winning season per decade. This is a start.

The Pope Watches Movies?!

Apparently, binge drinking, chain smoking, cheating on women, evading arrest, offering financial compensation in exchange for a little girl, and wearing your sunglasses at night are not deplorable enough to outweigh the glory of stating "we're on a mission from God" a few times according to the Catholic Church. "Blues Brothers" has joined "The Ten Commandments," "Jesus of Nazareth," "The Passion of the Christ," and other hilarious films on the list of Pope-approved movies. Consider this the first vote to add "Battlefield Earth" to the list. What movie would you most like to watch with the Pope?

Hi, I'm a Moron

This schmuck has issued an apology to BP for having to set aside $20 billion to help pay for the damages caused by the oil spill, calling it a "shakedown" by the federal government. You have to respect the guy's chutzpa though. That move is about as bold as asking Stephen Hawking to be your partner on "Dancing With the Stars" (see what I did there?).

A free Harmerica neckerchief to whoever includes at least two Yiddish words in their comment (while supplies last).

Viagra For Women

Maybe the reason a lot of women have "a depressed level of sexual desire" is because 99% of men look nauseating naked.

I once watched Clint Howard walk down the streets of San Francisco fully clothed and no less than 43 women vomited merely at the sight of him.

Free Harmerica banana hammock to anyone who can name an uglier human male.

"Lost" Reenacted By Cats

You Punch Jaywalkers Like A Girl!

This story is funny on so many levels.

1. A police officer punches a 17-year-old girl in the face.
2. The incident started because the officer was surrounded by people jaywalking.
3. Two girls involved were stupid enough to resist a jaywalking citation.
4. He punches her despite the fact that he's blatantly being videotaped.
5. The officer needed backup because there were TWO girls!
6. Despite the fact that "punching is a trained tactic" and the girl was 17, "nobody was injured during the incident."
7. The officer has more trouble with the girl than Ace Ventura did with Lois Einhorn.

What's Going On In That 'Stan?

And, no, I'm not referring to Stan Van Gundy's irritable bowel syndrome. Kyrgyzstan's problems can't be solved with yoga and fiber.

Take That, Diarrhea!

Plastic bottles can be used for good as well as evil I guess.

Ozzy Osbourne Is a Party Robot From the Future

He and Keith Richards should be tranquilized, taken to a Chuck E. Cheese, and forced to party until one of them dies. The Pay-Per-View profits could be used to make sure no one has to see an episode of Cougar Town ever again. Who do you think would win?

Can "The Postman" Stop the Oil Slick?

That beard does look super-absorbent, but he's got an even better trick hidden in that mailbag.

And On the 8th Day, God Created Photoshop

This looks about right considering they're a landlocked state that has outlawed whaling.

What About Microwaving Cell Phones in the Airport Security Line?

Sloth says: "Avoid the doctor or you'll die!"

Watch an Angry Peacock Debate Kevin Federline

Ready. FIGHT!

At one point the peacock looks like she is going to spit her soul at K-Fed...and he just laughs. Game. Set. Match.

"LEGO" Of Your Pseudo-World Cup Excitement...

...and just watch the highlights reenacted by LEGOs.

Israeli Blockade Update

For now it appears that Iran is resisting militarized escorts to break the Gaza blockade by Israel. However, approximately 100,000 Iranians have volunteered to crew aid ships that Tehran has said will be sent to provide food and other supplies to Palestinians starting Sunday, June 13th. While it appears Iran's Revolutionary Guard will not be leading the charge on these aid missions, it is only a matter of time before these aid ships reach the blockade and a decision will have to be made by Israel as to how to react.

It's Been Awhile Since We've Had a World War Anyway...

Things aren't going well in the Middle East for a change. The clash aboard the Turkish-owned Mavi Marmara on May 31st is beginning to look like the first toss in a barrage of poo-throwing at the industrial fan known as the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Now, President Obama is calling the situation in Gaza "unsustainable" and has approved a new aid plan for the region focused on infrastructure. And in an effort to knock over the first domino on the Doomsday Domino Rally, Iran has now offered to escort future aid vessels to Gaza. Maybe when the Israeli Navy confronts the next aid flotilla led by an armed Iranian escort they will just choose to settle their historical angst with an Alf trivia contest. Or maybe it will be the beginning of World War III.

Oh, and Israel is shooting Palestinian divers in an effort to assuage the tension.

Images of the Spill

Some incredible photos courtesy AP photographer Charlie Riedel via Boston.com. 

New Second Worst Way to Die

So, I read an article in National Geographic and I have a new runner-up for worst way to die. Fatal familial insomnia (FFI) is a genetic defect that eliminates its victims' ability to sleep. The symptoms usually set in when the sufferer is in their 50's and tends to last about a year before the individual inevitably dies from lack of sleep. Apparently, these unlucky brains contain freak proteins that attack the thalamus (aka brain part) inhibiting the ability to sleep.

How one dies from lack of sleep science has not figured out (perhaps the underwater robots with diamond saws will teach us), but they do know that the mortality rate for FFI is 100%. Only 40 families worldwide are known to suffer from the genetic plague of FFI, so don't start a bucket list if you can't fall asleep after a Golden Girls marathon (RIP Rue McClanahan). But it, along with ninjas, is a perfectly good reason to go to bed scared every night.

This is why FFI is now officially second on my list of worst ways to die. The first of course being a tripartite, raptor-style attack by giant cobras that spit flaming Great White Sharks that have TVs fused to their spines playing re-runs of Sex and the City. What tops your list of worst ways to die?

Swimming Robots With Diamond Saws

The tragic sinking of the Deepwater Horizon and the ongoing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has rightly elicited public outrage. Several attempts to plug the hole have failed and with every passing day the pressure continues to grow on BP and the federal government to stop this disaster. While I believe it is inexcusable that BP does not have more effective contingency plans for such a disaster, I am still pretty impressed with what's going on down there.

The primary impediment to stopping the oil flow is that the leak is occurring a mile below the ocean's surface. That means they are operating in an environment that has about 2,000 pounds per square inch of pressure. That's the equivalent of having the weight of a car pressing down on every square inch of your body. In other words, people can't go down and fix this. Instead, we have robots. The most recent effort to fix the leak was to use remote controlled robots holding diamond saws to cut through the pipe so that a new cap could be applied. When the diamond saw-wielding robots blew it, and got their saw stuck half way through the pipe, BP rolled out their giant underwater robot scissors and finished the job. Apparently, the robots don't have the steady hands of an Armenian as the cut was a bit jagged which may jeopardize the ability of the team to effectively cap the pipe.

This is truly the most catastrophic environmental disaster in American history, but there is one helluva science experiment going on down there as a result. Hopefully, the robots of the future will learn something from the shortcomings of their underwater brethren currently toiling in the Gulf.